Time Sure Flies When You're Lost in the Woods

Oh dear, what happened?? Apparently I took a wrong turn and got lost on my way home... VERY lost... SEVEN MONTHS lost to be more precise. YIKES!! Mark must be worried sick... I got hopeful when a rancid rotten egg smell crossed my beak, and I knew that I had to atleast be close to Wyoming! To my disappointment, I realized the smell was from the Sulphur Springs and not that of America's Butt. I really should have known better, Wyoming's stench is far worse, and unlike Wyoming, there was lush vegetation and signs of life here.



Foods had been pretty rare over the last few months, so when I found some mushrooms growing on a log I got very excited and dove right in! What a mistake that turned out to be...
It got a lot harder to find my way home afterward, and I could have sworn I was seeing things. Ginormous Leaves?!? I fainted at the thought of giant and enormous leaves that could devour us all... and is "Ginormous" even a real word??



When I came too hours later I got a more clear look at the sign that had caused me so much grief earlier. I discovered that I was in South Carolina... which meant I was incredibly far from home, which left me quite depressed. However, what better to cheer me up that giant + enormous piles of leaves to jump in!! HOOOORRAY!!! The sign was quite misleading... I expected mountains that I could frolick in, but got just a few inches of foliage to wade in. South Carolina should be kicked out of the Union for such wild lies... although that would make probably make them happy, so, I guess we'll keep them and hope they learn proper use of adjectives.



I found a map at the bottom of one of the piles of leaves, and while it only covers a small area, it's better than nothing. Or so I thought... on closer inspection I realized how much trouble I was really in. No wonder this useless map was at the bottom of the pile... I bet if I kept digging I would have found the skeleton of the person who originally got lost using it. I atleast know what state I'm in... that's a start. It's going to be a long road home though... better get started.

Extreme Makeover!

Wow... it's been a rough two weeks travelling. I've gone a long way on these little wire legs. I really was meant more for standing still than walking so much, but I'm just so excited to get home. I passed a billboard for a beauty salon, and realized just how filthy I've become during my travels and years of soaking up the bleaching sun in Mark's backyard. What I needed was a makeover, big time! Mark's going to be so thrilled!

I found a little shop that looked like an old garage, but they gave me quite the treatment!

I was a little short for their feather dryers, but they were able to solve the problem. I met some very interesting ladies while I was here, although I think I scared one of them away. She just looked at me and began trembling, then took off crying. She was stuttering something about Shelly and pink or something like that... I dunno... I could barely hear over the feather dryer and all the cheesy 80's music. The poofy haired lady helping me ran off to chase her down and left me in the hands of her assistant. She did a real good job other than spraying me with cold water- though I think she was clinically insane. Poofy-haired lady came back to finish me up, but another old lady followed her back complaining that the one who ran out just punched her really hard. I wanted to know more about this drama but figured I should just keep my beak shut. If the cranky one found out it was me that scared the other lady that hit her, she'd probably get reeeal mad at me. I pretended to not pay attention and ate some of the desert the cranky lady's friend brought for everybody. It was the most unpleasantly sweet desert ever... my beak felt like it was going to rot away after one bite! She offered me some *ice cream* to cut the sweetness... I think she's crazy too... or just a dentist looking for more business.


I was so enamored with the hijinx unfolding before my eyes that I didn't realize how fast the time flew by. By the end of the day it was like I was a totally different flamingo! So vibrantly pink and sexy... I look so good now I don't even need makeup to cover the wrinkles on my neck! I can't wait to show Mark!

Homesick...

Has it really been nearly a month? Wow... I sure was busy exploring. Too busy to update, that's for sure. I just played a little catchup and added a few of the stories you all have missed out on. I've been very depressed and homesick the last few weeks though. As I journeyed through a farm last week, I couldn't help but think of Mark, crying himself to sleep everynight, worrying about me and wondering when I was going to come home and fill that void in his life. It brought a tear to my eye. I've finally decided that it's time to start my journey home... I crave to see more of the country, but there's a backyard I'm craving more! Mark, I'm coming home!!

The Architecture of a Fellow F.L.

Up in Pennsylvania I had to take a trip out to see the work of my fellow F.L. buddy, Frank Lloyd and see his most famous design. I wish I had a house like this one. Hell, I'd even settle just just have a mini waterfall running through the yard (This is a not so subtle hint for you, Mark. Better get to work on it immediately!) I attempted to take some photos of this swank pad but the tour guide became quite upset and asked my not to take any photos. Though annoyed, I obeyed and proceceded to take measurements and recreate the floorplan on a napkin. They didn't like that either and threw me out... Copyright, schmopyright. I was determined to break the rules and sell the photos of my exploits just to spite them! HAHA! I went commando and snuck around the folliage that surrounded the house and took all the photos I could. I even went for a forbidden refreshing swim! I was quite proud of my rebelious nature, but as I was leaving I found out you are allowed to take photos of the exterior and felt a little stupid... You win this round Falling Water...

Lots of Black Pictures

As I was wondering through Tennessee, a sign caught my eye- it had an image of a Viking ship and told me to "Come see the Lost Sea!" Being an obedient tourist, I listened, and investigated further. I kept seeing signs, but still had no clue what the hell this thing was. Was it a boat from ages past that got land locked when the sea suddenly dissappeared? The suspense was killing me!! When I finally arrived, I discovered it was a cave tour that featured a large underground lake... sounded a bit too educational but I went for it anyway. I took a lot of photos I wish I could show you, but apparently this cave is magical and turns most of your photos black. I must say, caves are interesting! You can build a bar down in these things and make your own alcohol- or atleast somebody did here once upon a time. Oh and there were some stalagamajigs and drippydoodles, or something like that in here too... but I was more interested in the brewery story. When the tour guide pointed out the old still that still existed in the cave I couldn't resist the temptation and had to jump off the path and check it out. What a fantastic discovery! The staff was still secretly brewing moonshine in it! Unfortunately, I drank a wee bit too much and the tour guide and I... well, you know what they say, "There's a time and place for everything, and is called 'College'" ... I suppose I'll need to enroll at the University when I get home for this excuse to work.

The Empowering Arch of St. Louis

I made a stop in St. Louis to check out the Arch here, mostly due to a rumor I heard circulating around Missoula a few years back. Apparently by rubbing my, well... let's just say "Little Mingo" on national monuments, I would become empowered! In what manner, I can't say but I figured it was worth a try. I went for it and immediately was yelled at over the loud speaker. I was a little embarrased, but my ego was soon boosted by the compliments the ladies began shouting at me as I ran away. After all the trouble I nearly got into I didn't feel the slightest bit empowered. Guess I should have known better... only idiots would come up with an idea like that. And just to warn you, the following image is a bit racy... don't say I didn't warn you!

We're Not In Kansas Anymore...

...so why in the hell was there a tornado attempting to sweep me away to Oz? I'm just fine not encountering any Wicked Witches... I was just minding my own business wandering through North Central Misssissippi today when a siren went off alerting me to a possible tornado, although I think I got the idea when the rain went from a vertical to horizontal motion and I nearly got blown to the other side of the town. The tornado never got close enough for me to get a photo of it myself but I stopped to take a closer look at two trees that got uprooted during the storm. Guess it was a good thing I hid from the storm... it may have done this to me. *gulp*